Remember My Name...Fame!

I've never been near a gym before. It's an adrenalin-fuelled fairground ride that I've always managed to avoid, thankyou very much. A place full of lycra-clad bodies toned to within an nth of their lives. No, exercise is for darkened, curtain-drawn lounges, in front of a 'Salsacise' dvd - where no-one can see you sweat!!!!
So when Jo Walker, diva of the Studio 20 gym in Ilfracombe told me for the millionth time that it wasn't at all like that and I really should give it a go, it was just that nudge too far. Sitting on my chair-shaped a**e at a desk all day is doing it, and me, no good whatsoever.
And as time creeps by, I REFUSE point blank to disintegrate into one of those bent old ladies who can barely pick up a spoon to feed themselves. (It's a long way off by the way, just in case you're wondering) But I need to get fit before I get old...Hmmm that sounds like a song...pass the whiskey junior...
So, the night before Gym Day saw me restlessly tossing and turning - flashing images of leg warmers and headbands - and Oh God, dancing down Ilfracombe High Street over yellow-roofed taxis to the wailing tones of Irene Cara! (Apologies to anyone under 30 - it's an Eighties thing).
A nervous approach. The gym looks spectacular since it expanded over the summer, all subtle downlights, airy studios and bleach-wood floors (and oh wow, the ladies shower room)!!! Yes I have been inside before, but only to interview, never to sweat. Jo reckons everyone feels nervous on the first approach. She soothes, she reassures - then, time to move out of the squishy-sofa'd comfort-zone of Reception, into THE GYM.
Sigourney Weaver could not have been more afraid on encountering those nasty, acid-dripping, skull-crunching tentacled thingies. Would they all turn and stare at me? Would they give me THAT look (you know the ones girls - up-and-down - checking out the size of your lumps and bumps).
But alien environment though it may be, there were just a few greetings for Jo - and no-one dripping acid...just sweat. "They're all far too busy concentrating on the muscles they are working to be checking you out," said Jo.
Hmm not too bad - but where was Lieutentant Uhura, Jim, Spock and Bones? The panels on those treadmills looked like they could quite easily have guided us through The Final Frontier..
"It's easy, don't worry about it," came the little Angel sitting on my shoulder - oh, no, it was Jo again. "Don't worry about the digital read-outs, heart-rate monitor and all those flashing lights - take no notice of them for now, the only indicator you need to check is your breathing. can you still hold a conversation?" (Yes)
Coming off the treadmill was fun, in a fairground kinda way - felt like I was still sliding: "You'll get that for the first couple of times, as your body adjusts, but then it will go." Well - my first encounter with gym machinery - legs aching a bit, but still, I'm ok.
On my bike next - this is easy...oh - Jo introduces a few 'hills' into the programme...hamstrings aching a bit now - but it's a good ache - I can do this...
That's before I meet my Nemesis - the CROSS TRAINER - ouch! never having done this before - it really hurt! ('I need to get fit before I get old,' la-la-la) "Can you feel your legs burning? That will go in a minute - it's the build up of lactic acid on your muscles, but as you work them it will disperse - promise" My wise Obe Wan Kenobe wasn't lying - and gritting through it for a few minutes I was still able to carry on and just started to control my breathing - but THAT ONE - I DO NOT LIKE!
"By the way," says Jo, who is chatting all the way around, "Have you noticed that you aren't paying any attention to anyone around you - and everyone's the same."
Now I'm starting to have fun with the weights - making things ache that I never knew I had - triceps for one ("That's a lazy muscle, difficult to work"). But I'm liking these aches - I know it's good - even when I encounter a stomach crunching device that looks like it should belong in someone's pervy basement.
But contrary to my worst fears, it hasn't been a torture chamber - quite the reverse and Jo has been patient - and didn't even drop to the floor in shock when she weighed and measured me (every woman's worst nightmare). "We're not in the game of making you completely dependent on us, neither do we intend to frighten you so much that you start making excuses not to come again. We want it to be an enjoyable experience."
A WILL get fit. I will look fabulous at all those Christmas parties I'm lining up (though I will keep that food diary, promise, Jo) - so bring on the Boxercise, Step and Aerobics...I need to get fit before I get old tra-la-la...
Check out the Studio 20 website - where you'll soon be able to get a virtual tour so it will already be familiar when you take that first step: http://www.studiotwenty.co.uk/